Whilst I sit here feeding the precious little girl that spent 9 months growing in my belly I can't help feeling that overwhelming love that every mother is meant to have but it wasn't always this way!
As soon as she was born my protective instincts kicked in but not the sense of heart bursting love and achievement like I had with Toby!
I know that sounds absolutely horrible but that's how I felt!
It all started at that tear jerking moment when I was told I had an infection that if passed onto the baby through a vaginal birth could cause defects and in worse case be fatal!
Which in turn meant they were booking me in for a c section the very next morning, I had 13 hours to prepare myself for the biggest surgery in my life!
I broke down and bawled my eyes out until there were no tears left!
Just over 18 months ago I had defied the odds and carried my son to 40 weeks and had a drug free natural birth when they said I had no chance and now my water birth drifted out the window!
Later that night around 10pm I started having contractions and knew that if my waters broke I was to go straight in for am emergency c section, luckily they didn't but I didn't get much sleep that night.
The alarm went off at 6am I lay in bed for a while I was exhausted from a long night of contractions and restless sleep, I didn't want to get up in a way it felt like that sealed my fate.
We got to the hospital at 7am, I was already shaking like a leaf (believe it or not I shook through the whole operation) I signed my paper work and unpacked my bags, I cried the whole time!
Before I knew it I was getting dressed into my gown and getting wheeled up the long corridors to theater, I can't even begin to explain what was going through my head, it was racing, I had so many thoughts of what it would be like and how I was going to handle the recovery. Whilst sitting in there getting my spinal block I was so frightened but I was extremely lucky I had a great team of people working on me and my ever supportive husband in his scrubs clinging onto my hand promising never to let it go (and he didn't)
Laying tilted on the operating table, I was numb, Physically and emotionally! They started to cut me open and I just lay there talking to Jarryd about anything that came to our mind, It was probably the longest conversation we had had my whole pregnancy it helped me relax while in the back of my mind I knew that I was having a massive operation and I was about to be a mum again.
At 9.12am on Saturday the 20th of July they pulled down the curtain that separated us from the doctors and pulled up my baby girl in to the world, as she let out her first cry so did Jarryd and I, we were so overwhelmed with everything that we had been through in the last 24 hours and it showed! The midwife took Grace away and cleaned her up it was the first time the whole time that Jarryd let go of my hand but I wanted him to make sure he got to cut the cord.
Grace was already on her way out so they had to use the forceps to pull her back up through my pelvis resulting in her whole cheek being bruised, I freaked out thinking it was a birth mark but when the doctor said it could be and we would have to wait to see if it went away I was a bit shocked.
I couldn't believe how much hair she had, I also asked if they were sure she was mine (yes I was the only pregnant lady in the room) she was so swollen and puffy so I was quite shocked when I first looked at her! I insisted Jarryd gave me his phone whilst they were stitching me up so I could take a photo of them together in his scrubs because I knew they were going to take Grace with me to recovery as soon as I was stitched up.
I still don't no how I managed to take this photo but I love it! In recovery she latched straight on to my breast and I thought to myself 'yay an easy feeder' (boy I was wrong) It has taken me a long time to bond with Grace, between hospital stays and operations, also her dramatic weight loss while I was trying my hardest to breastfeed I felt as though I couldn't do anything right. I had to work hard to push all the thoughts of failing at breastfeeding and the fact that I didn't get the birth that I had planned out of my mind (I still think about it a lot). Sometimes bonding doesn't come as naturally as we hope it does but that doesn't make up a bad Mum, it makes us human! I wouldn't change my family for anything in the world even if I do wish my experience had been different!
As a Mum we all know the hardest thing to do is ask for help when we are starting to feel slightly overwhelmed!
With my history with post natal depression I know from last time when I start to feel like that its time to stop trying to be supermum and start thinking about what myself and my babies need!
As explained in my last post I have just had a tough run after having my gallbladder out which left me waiting over 24 hours for a second operation, considering I was only 3 week post op from my C section, I didn't bounce back as quick as normal!
Tonight I decided that it was best for Grace to spend another night upstairs with my mum due to me not being able to get up easily or move around very well!
It makes me feel worse that I can't just come home from hospital and look after my children by myself but I know that it's important to ask for help other wise I will get worse and not better!
I'm better of getting healthy than trying to be a hero!
As some of you might know, during my pregnancy I found out I had gallstones.
Well after Grace was born my attacks became more and more frequent to the point where I had 11 attacks over a seven day period.
Yesterday I finally got to have an operation to have my gallbladder removed, never in my life did I think it would be so painful!
The operation went well but they were unable to remove a large stone from my bile duct so I am currently waiting to have another operation to have this stone removed!
I haven't had anything to eat or drink in 41 hours and I have been moved out of 4 different beds (might I add that is painful as hell), I have been transferred from a private hospital back to a public one because they have the facilities to do my next op.
I cried when Mum came to visit me with my two beautiful babies because I really didn't know how much I missed them until I finally got to see them and give them cuddles!
My gorgeous hubby brought me some flowers which was a shock because he has only ever got me flowers 3 times before this in the last 6 years!
I am so lucky that mum was able to take time off work to look after my wonderful little people while I'm stuck in a hospital bed! I'm so glad Grace is sleeping well and she only woke up at 1.30am and 5.30am so Mum was quite impressed!